Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I would share my biscotti

Writing inspiration Click to see this photo's flickr page

I have started this post in my mind a number of times during the past few months. When I get tempted to be vengeful and strike back at what’s been sitting on me, weighing me down, I just stop. I’ve read anger, venom spewed out publicly, and, you know, it’s just hurtful. Yup.

The best I can describe the past few months is that, well, some times, you just don’t feel like sharing. Not that there’s anything particularly personally sensitive going on, but you just feel like hunkering down, way out in the middle of no where, and not have to talk about anything to anyone. Ever have a day like that? Yeah? I’ve had a good 4 or 5 months worth of it.

To be honest, I’ve considered a number of times just quitting the blog, as well. Not just stopping it, but taking the whole thing off-line. I’ve had to think on why people blog, why I blog, what I want, where this is going.

In the beginning, I recall wanting to share the silly everyday-ness with friends who had moved away. Along the way, I discovered a few of things: the friends visited my blog with decreasing regularity. And when I’d get very pensive, they’d shy away; they prefer the silly goofiness, or were maybe just more comfortable responding to it. The other thing I discovered, though, is that I’ve met people along the way, quite by accident sometimes, that would read my words and ponder along, at least for part of the way, with me. I know also that I have a deep need to be heard. I say that again: I need to be heard. The problem with being a really good, empathetic listener is that people feel even more comfortable to talk at/with you. And talk. Oh heck, they’ll talk right over you. Talk, talk, talk. And they often forget to stop to listen. So, I found and still find myself writing, and thinking, and writing more. I don’t know that I’m writing for any particular cause, other than to now keep in touch with the other strong, yet sensitive souls that I’ve connected with. I need to be heard. The naysayers, the critics, those who have lost interest, those a little too sheepish, unwilling or just plain unable to engage in deeper conversation, they persist. But, the greater truth is I have found, one by one, good, patient people who will stop and listen, share and connect. They hear, and they hear me. And, boy, isn’t that what counts?

I have kept up reading my bloggy buddies’ blogs (say that 5 times fast!), but I have missed keeping them up with me. I’ve been micro-blogging, 140 characters at a time, on Twitter. I’ve found some exceptional nice people there. I’ve been drawing and collaging, taking photos, and posting on Flickr, as well, and I’ve found some exceptionally creative, talented people there, too. I feel a bit remiss, knowing that when they click over to this blog, there’s really been nothing new here; just a long, uncertain pause.

In many ways, I hope that The FridgeDoor is successful in celebrating the everyday acts that we do, the simple acts of grace, the small steady stream of words of encouragement that we share, the thoughts we have that are remarkably great and significant, unexpectedly mixed in with all the seemingly trivial details our routines. At its best, though, I think it’s also a letter – a love letter – to those that do stop in, to read and look at the images up close, and then sit for with me, and with you, a bit and share the inspiration, or even just actively share the silence. [shrug]

So I have to keep at the blog, if not for them, for me, because I need to keep thinking and pondering and writing, scheming and sighing all at the same time. I keep at the blog because I deeply cherish the companionship of these friends, close and very far away. I can’t be there, but we can share a virtual cuppa' coffee, right? I saw a couple of you nod, “Yup”. And if I had biscotti, I’d share one with you.

Much thanks. xox, -w


Desiree said...

DITTO! I feel the same and have thought the same. But I love sharing and creating a recorded event, it then becomes special, and wont be forgotten. I look back and think, wow, I wonder if I would have remembered that if I hadn't blog about it. So its also a diary, a journal about me and I can jump over and visit with you! Don't you often feel that its the only venue that allows us to share those deep thoughts without interuption.

Hey, we never did get to do that in person, and now your running with Marta! Lets still plan to get together, bring your better half and we can make a dinner date of it. I am getting ready for Houston but will touch base when I return. Don't stop sharing, I am really listening friend!

Donna said...

Good to see you posting again! I think we all blog both for ourselves and for our own reasons, and we never run out of things that need to be said.

One of your old quilting buddies is still listening.

Annie said...

I've been listening, too, Wendee. Started when you and Karen Winters would sketch and paint, together, and post them-- that was great fun.
Guess I should have let you know that I was listening. Now that I have finally...FINALLY... F*I*N*A*L*L*Y* figured out how the Google Reader and RSS work, I have you and my other favorite people on it and won't miss a word.
We need to share and we DO need to be heard. But I am guessing that more are reading you than you think. They just aren't up to writing back much of the time.

I follow a forum called The Sketching Forum every day--it's my Home-Away-From-Home-- and I have noticed that some people are puzzled or hurt because there are so few responses from members, yet the viewing count is high. I think it's something that goes on across the board-- people are so busy-- get interrupted by phone calls, I betcha-- and that special writing energy isn't there to respond.

So I hope you keep on but only if it means a lot to you. It sure enough means a lot to us.

Kat said...

Wendee!! Me loves you!! Thanks for the kind words today on Twitter! Your blogs always put a warm feeling in my heart. I wish I had the ability to write like you do! Maybe one day I'll step it up! I miss reading your blog, but love your "tweets" and Flickr photostream!

You my dear are an inspiration.

Keep on keepin' on. *smiles*

Toni said...

Wendy I'm here. I know how you feel. Most of the summer I didn't feel like blogging or reading. I always make my way back here. I hope you get out of your slump. Do you want to call it that? I don't do twitter and very seldom do I comment on flickr. Our lives get busy and it can get depressing trying to squeeze it all in, daily life, blogging, drawing, you name it. I think people are listening and reading just not commenting much.

take care dear friend.

Wendee said...

I am verklempt. Thank you.

No, I wasn't trying to get lurkers to comment, but it's good to hear from you that chose to. Any encouragement that you share, with me or anyone else, is a really good thing.

[sigh] No, not a slump, really. No, not so much worried about people not commenting. Not so much worried about people reading, or not. Just spend the summer not feeling like sharing, that's all, more or less. It's not you; it's me ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi Wendee - I think sometimes we are expecting too much from this appendage that we call "our blog". We put ourselves out to the world and.... no comments. What does that mean? ... absolutely nothing. Like Kat says, people such as I find putting words together difficult. Other times we can only stay connected by clicking fast and furious and on with our days.
Such a balancing act we all face each day. Blogging is only a small part of it. Perhaps we hoped it would be "the answer".

Anonymous said...

Oh.. by the way, that looks like a chocolate chip cookie. I have never seen a flat biscotti before.
I hope the classes are going well.

Wendee said...

Robin - Yes it is a very large chocolate chip cookie. When I buy biscotti, I find myself eating it quicker than I can draw it. I'd rather savor the eating experience than draw. So, so far I've only been able to draw the empty paper bag, without the biscotti.

No, not worried entirely about not getting comments. It gets lonely, but it wasn't troubling me so much. What was getting weird and uncomfortable were comments I would get, when meeting up with family, friends. That's another story, for another day. Thanks, though, Robin.

mARTa said...

I too wonder sometimes about the blogging. For me though it has become a journal of life; my life. I'm past checking to see who comments or not. It doesn't matter anymore; the blog is not for others, it's for me. Aside from a record of my like, art life in particular, are the connections i've made with people all over the world. The human aspect keeps this alive for me.

ournene said...

I love reading your blog. I am guilty of not commenting, but then again people reading my blog are the same way. Doesn't mean no one is watching. Take care!

Plain Jane said...

sign me up on the CARING list, dear Wendee.

Ginny said...

Wendee, Just say what you have to say or don't. You have a unique view of everyday things that is charming, insightful and quite fun to read. So do it if you want to and don't if you don't. Miss seeing you. It would be a treat for you to show up any Wed. a.m. Ginny

Anita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kim Carney said...

so here is my little love letter to you


sorry I am so quite all of the time .. i was going to say "most" ... i quickly read through everything ... well, then came along Google Reader ;(
and my brain feels so full that nothing seems to work up there.

I am to worst offender of that rude act and I will stop by and sip coffee with you ;)

suzanne cabrera said...

Thank you for this honest post Wendee. I definitely can understand how you feel...on many levels.